Summertime traditionally is wedding season in the U.S., and preparing for the big day often takes a lot of time, coordination and money. However, after the vows are exchanged and party is over the real work begins.

Jackson Crum, Lead Teaching Pastor at Park Community Church in Chicago, has counseled hundreds of couples in his 20-plus years of ministry. Noting that money and communication are the biggest issues in marriage, he encourages couples to participate in church-based premarital classes that teach fundamentals on managing finances, fighting well, communicating productively and tempering expectations about intimacy.

Going beyond the scope of the foundational issues, Crum, who's been married for 34 years, offers his most important advice regarding the reality of marriage as followers of Christ.

1. Don't look for your spouse to be your savior. Your spouse cannot give you what only Jesus can provide for you. And, if you enter marriage thinking otherwise, you're off to a rocky start. "A spouse cannot heal your deepest hurts, fulfill your deepest longings or read your mind," Crum notes.
2. Marriage is not about what you receive from being married, but what you bring to the marriage. Marriage is not a 50/50 effort—it is a 100/100 endeavor. "If God loved us only 50%, we'd be in constant trouble," Crum says.  "As followers of Christ, the Gospel compels us to give without expectation of receiving. If we have an expectation of receiving, then we keep score, which leads to giving ourselves grace and making more of what we do and being highly critical of our spouse for not providing what we think we need," he explains.
3. Your "love tank" needs to be filled through the work of the Gospel in Christ, and not by your spouse. If you find that you are fully loved and delighted in Christ, you are going to be able to love without expectations. "You love, not because your spouse deserves it or has earned it, but because you have first been loved by God when you didn't deserve it, when you haven't earned it, when you weren't lovable.  This enables you to love through tough times, hurtful times and times when you are not loved back," Crum says.
4. Don't go into marriage thinking you have a back door. If you enter marriage thinking you can simply get divorced if things don't work out, when things get tough, you're going to walk away. "Enter marriage knowing the Gospel is able to prevail over anything. I've watched couples work through very difficult situations because the Gospel brings great hope," adds Crum.
5. Find what is biblically normal for your marriage, and stop comparing yourself to other couples. "We look at Scripture and God to find our norm, not to other couples," Crum explains. "For example, what does healthy communication look like in your marriage? It's o.k. if your normal communication is loud and passionate, but if it goes into attacking, you've gone outside of your biblical norm," he says. Rule of thumb in finding your biblical norm: Be quick to forgive; be quick to serve; and be quick to extend grace.
6. Affection is a loving gift we give to our spouse. Don't withhold affection as punishment or use it as a reward. "Affection is driven by seeking to express our love in the fullest fashion. We forgive, we listen, we extend affection. If we don't see love as an act of service, we end up seeing affection as the one act we can control," Crum notes.
   

   
   

   When we use Christ as our model for love, we learn to love unconditionally. Crum suggests replacing the word "love" with "Jesus" when reading 1 Corinthians 13.4-7, to see the fullness of God's love:

   "Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail."